Skip to main content

The Seagull

I found my place on the sand; away from everyone at the retreat. Just needing some space - a chance to breathe. The October sun was warm but the wind held a chill, so I burrowed into my beach blanket. I had arrived at our annual prayer retreat in a mental fog. Exhausted on every level. I secretly felt sorry for the 30 women there with me - pretty sure I was not going to be very good company. I loved each of them dearly, but felt like only a fragment of who I was had arrived this year. I slipped away for some alone time… hoping no one had followed or noticed.  This was my place. The ocean is my therapy. The momentum and rhythm of the waves is like medicine to my soul. I can imagine with every wave - the stress and tension leaving my body. 
The seagull edged closer to me, keeping a close eye. I could tell he was waiting for a crumb or morsel of food. I had nothing with me. I felt irritation in the pit of my stomach… Seriously? Is there no place I can go without feeling like someone or something needs my attention - or wants something from me?
I realized, “I feel drained by the people in my life! Why is everyone so needy?” 
These thoughts brought guilt mixed with conviction. I disappointed myself with such selfish musings. 
I prayed… God help me. Fix me. Change me. Forgive me. And then…
Jesus, do you feel like me? If my emotions reflect yours; do you see me like this seagull? Do You feel like I’m always waiting for You to toss me a crumb; yet not willing to come close enough to just BE with you. Do you see me as high maintenance, needy and draining? Are these your feelings towards me right now? 
I stared at the seagull. My stare turned into one of those non-blinking, trance-like moments. I was awash in shame for feeling so resentful towards this innocent bird!
Suddenly our eyes locked. The seagull was now about six feet from my blanketed shroud. We stared for a good long moment, and then I blinked. He blinked back. Suddenly  a soft wave of understanding swept from my eyes to my brain - through my mind and into my soul. 
The seagull was an expression of Jesus!
I began to weep…
Jesus! The seagull is You! You lovingly approach me but dare not disturb me. You patiently pursue me without interrupting my life. You willingly wait and anticipate the moment when I will recognize Who You are - and finally get up and fly with You! Fly… far above all of the carnal chaos. High into the peace of Your holiness, where the glory of Your presence can calm my thoughts; revive my spirit and restore my soul. 
My breath caught in my throat as I wept before the love of my life. And then I breathed in a deep lung-full of Him. 

Jesus… I am breathing You in. I am being reborn! On this day, October 26, you are creating a new me! Show me who she is. Show me what you see in this new creation. When I get up off this sand; show me how to walk. Show me how to talk. Teach me all over again how to live. Teach me how to give of myself without depleting myself. I want to be a good and true friend, wife, mother and mentor. Teach me how to be the best version of me possible. I will arise a new creature in You, Jesus. Full of love and compassion. Full of You!

Note: I found these notes in my prayer journal from our Prayer Retreat in 2016... just thought I'd share.
Labels:

Comments

Ecoomer said…
To this made me smile! I remember several other creatures God sent to your beach blanket in the sand. A dragon fly, and a crab who just would not go away. You my friend are truly loved by Jesus! And me by the way.
April 16, 2019 at 8:26:00 AM EDT
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Red Convertible

Today, my precious husband, gave me a surprise College Graduation gift. A red, mustang convertible. Now, I know every girl in town is envious of me... I'm so blessed, excited and SHOCKED! Jeff Chavis is a very frugal guy, and for him to purchase this car for ME... well - I know it held a private message.  If you have heard my "red convertible" story - you know that for quite a while now - seeing a red convertible has been my "sign" from Jesus - reminding me to Let Him Drive! The story is so personal - I have only shared it a couple places upon God's leading. So here's my "Red Convertible" story... I was at our Ladies Prayer Retreat in October 2007. My sister Debbie led one of our devotions using an illustration from a Max Lucado book about "Tucker Town" - A town where all the residents pushed their vehicles around all day - with engines running... they just liked DOING THINGS for themselves! Of course, they were tired, wor...
9 comments
Read more

Stress

I recieved this article in an email recently. I've seen it before, but today I related on a whole new level. If you are reading this and you're dealing with the balancing act of life... I'm sure you'll enjoy this. Unfortunately, I don't have an author to credit this to - but I think whoever the author was - he/she speaks to us all. Stress - A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranging from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress m...
1 comment
Read more

Fifty... Five Decades... Half a Century...

The morning dawned with feelings of trepidation. I knew something was afoot. I had been banned from the church property for three days... my husband had brought someone in to help me clean the house and prepare beds... and for WHO? No one would tell me a thing. At around 8 AM my phone rang and my daughter-in-law, Amanda, told me to be ready at 10:30 - her and Randi - the other DIL - were going to pick me up for lunch. ...AND to pack a bag with hair fixing necessities and a formal ( preferably black) outfit. Hmmm ... sounded like fun to me - so I was obedient to the letter. They arrived right on time and we headed to "lunch" which turned out to be one of my favorites... Olive Garden! We were taken to a private room where my sister Debbie and her DIL , Shannon... and two of my nieces (Taryn and Tanis who had driven 5 hours to be there) were already seated and waiting. We ordered and were sitting there visiting and catching up on all our lives - when I saw my husband in the d...
3 comments
Read more