Skip to main content

The Seagull

I found my place on the sand; away from everyone at the retreat. Just needing some space - a chance to breathe. The October sun was warm but the wind held a chill, so I burrowed into my beach blanket. I had arrived at our annual prayer retreat in a mental fog. Exhausted on every level. I secretly felt sorry for the 30 women there with me - pretty sure I was not going to be very good company. I loved each of them dearly, but felt like only a fragment of who I was had arrived this year. I slipped away for some alone time… hoping no one had followed or noticed.  This was my place. The ocean is my therapy. The momentum and rhythm of the waves is like medicine to my soul. I can imagine with every wave - the stress and tension leaving my body. 
The seagull edged closer to me, keeping a close eye. I could tell he was waiting for a crumb or morsel of food. I had nothing with me. I felt irritation in the pit of my stomach… Seriously? Is there no place I can go without feeling like someone or something needs my attention - or wants something from me?
I realized, “I feel drained by the people in my life! Why is everyone so needy?” 
These thoughts brought guilt mixed with conviction. I disappointed myself with such selfish musings. 
I prayed… God help me. Fix me. Change me. Forgive me. And then…
Jesus, do you feel like me? If my emotions reflect yours; do you see me like this seagull? Do You feel like I’m always waiting for You to toss me a crumb; yet not willing to come close enough to just BE with you. Do you see me as high maintenance, needy and draining? Are these your feelings towards me right now? 
I stared at the seagull. My stare turned into one of those non-blinking, trance-like moments. I was awash in shame for feeling so resentful towards this innocent bird!
Suddenly our eyes locked. The seagull was now about six feet from my blanketed shroud. We stared for a good long moment, and then I blinked. He blinked back. Suddenly  a soft wave of understanding swept from my eyes to my brain - through my mind and into my soul. 
The seagull was an expression of Jesus!
I began to weep…
Jesus! The seagull is You! You lovingly approach me but dare not disturb me. You patiently pursue me without interrupting my life. You willingly wait and anticipate the moment when I will recognize Who You are - and finally get up and fly with You! Fly… far above all of the carnal chaos. High into the peace of Your holiness, where the glory of Your presence can calm my thoughts; revive my spirit and restore my soul. 
My breath caught in my throat as I wept before the love of my life. And then I breathed in a deep lung-full of Him. 

Jesus… I am breathing You in. I am being reborn! On this day, October 26, you are creating a new me! Show me who she is. Show me what you see in this new creation. When I get up off this sand; show me how to walk. Show me how to talk. Teach me all over again how to live. Teach me how to give of myself without depleting myself. I want to be a good and true friend, wife, mother and mentor. Teach me how to be the best version of me possible. I will arise a new creature in You, Jesus. Full of love and compassion. Full of You!

Note: I found these notes in my prayer journal from our Prayer Retreat in 2016... just thought I'd share.
Labels:

Comments

Ecoomer said…
To this made me smile! I remember several other creatures God sent to your beach blanket in the sand. A dragon fly, and a crab who just would not go away. You my friend are truly loved by Jesus! And me by the way.
April 16, 2019 at 8:26:00 AM EDT
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Write the Vision!

Dreams really do come true... if you work hard enough! I have told my story - but just in case you're new to my life - let me catch you up real quick: In 2008, a breast cancer diagnosis directed me to go back to college and study cancer - and alternative medicine My first day of radiation was also my first day of classes at Everglades University in a Bachelor of Science program In 2012, I graduated with a B.S. in Alternative Medicine In 2016, I received my M.P.H. (Masters in Public Health Administration with a Concentration in Alternative and Complementary Medicine) College opened up information about modalities I knew I wanted to incorporate into my life - with the MAIN TWO being -  Medical Thermography  Japanese technology of Kangen Water.  Long story short, God brought both of these services into my life miraculously. I had my first thermography appointment in May of 2017, which culminated with an offer to buy the Thermography business from the current owner.  And here we are -
3 comments
Read more

Peace is the Umpire!

I recently discovered a new decision-making process. It seemed so practical - so I tucked the thought away in my mind.  A few days later, I read confirmation from the word! So, I used this method and it worked!  Let me share it with you:  This is the formula I found for decisions you need to make; or opportunities to consider.  Step One:  Write out the decision you need to make in your journal or on a notepad. Step Two: How do you feel when you think about accepting the opportunity? Think about saying “Yes, I'm going to do this”. Write out how this thought makes you feel. Step Three: How do you feel when you think about not accepting that opportunity, not going forward? Write out how you feel when you consider just backing off and saying “No, I’m not going to do this”. Step Four: Which of those decisions brought you peace when you considered your answer? My daily Bible reading brought me the following confirmation to use with these steps! Colossians 3:15 GNT The peace that Christ g
Post a Comment
Read more

Praying Them Home...

I still have a copy of my son Cortt’s deployment orders for Iraq in my old Bible. One glance at that tearstained paper reminds me:   1- God doesn’t always say “Yes”. 2- I have trust issues.     I had faith God was going to delete those orders. I believed He was going to keep my son at home! I was sure of this. I vocalized it! I thanked God daily for it!   When Cortt and his unit shipped out to Afghanistan - my faith wavered slightly - but I was convinced God would not allow him to be sent into the Iraqi war zone!   So, when that dreaded day came - and he called to tell us - “I’m headed into Iraq. I don’t know when I’ll be able to communicate again - I’ll call as soon as I can.” I was done.   My faith failed.   For days on end - I could not - (or would not) pray. I was desperately worried and afraid - but, let me be honest… I was also angry. Why should I talk to God now? He had obviously ignored the past four months of my prayers and fasting. I had felt so much faith! I completely tr
1 comment
Read more